"I love you". It just slipped out so I decided to own up to it and repeat it.
He didn't say it back, he said he wanted to be sure before actually saying it. I can respect that.
...
I'm leaving for Japan in less than two months, and he's staying behind in San Diego.
The beginning of the end started when he got his new contract. I just didn't know it at the time. It was what he's been wishing for for a long time, but he thought he wouldn't get.
When I found out I was happy for him cause it meant he could continue fighting for his beautiful kids, even though we would be away from each other for a few years. We first agreed to work thru it but he started to keep me at arms length and I started to freak out about everything, especially since he didn't say it back. I felt like I took a leap and no one was gonna be there to catch me.
He refused to talk about it a couple of times but when I finally pushed the discussion between us, he broke and brought me down with him.
I've never seen him cry before while being sober. He acknowledge he was scared like he's never been before. That he was in love with me and even though he didn't say it back he felt the same way. That it was different with me cause he never thought he will meet someone like me and that we were soulmates. He said he was planning on going to Japan with me for a year and a half but this changed everything, and he couldn't refuse because he needed to fight for his kids. This last part I knew about and understood it. But he also said that he didn't wanted to hold me back. That he loved me and cared too much about me as to risk losing me completely. He said, in his experience, moving across the World, so far away from each other with so much lack of access to communications can drove people in love mad to the point they end up hating each other. That already happened to him and he didn't love the person before me like he does me. He'd rather we let each other be free, put a lid on us and stay as good friends. And when the time's right, maybe pick things up where we leave them once I come back after my 4 year contract ends. We agreed we'll try that.
We hugged and held each other so tight we didn't wanted to let go, and we cried our eyes out. We cried like we've never cried before. With so much love, sadness, sorrow and pain. It feels like life is being so unfair to us right now. That after finally finding each other and becoming whole, we're being ripped apart again.
I've been crying every day since. Every day my heart breaks a little knowing the time for us to part ways comes closer. The simple act of breathing has become a challenge and the sleepless nights are regular nights now. We're trying but it's so hard. He's better than me at hiding his broken heart, but I can see it in his eyes. The same pain that overwhelms me haunts him. We are so much tired lately, I'm pretty sure it's from the sleepless nights. Its just too much going on. And I just keep wondering if we'll we able to survive it. If we'll be able to get through it.
...
We feel we are each other's Forever. Will we be?
