Home

I don't think I've ever told you this
But I found home with you.

I was supposed to be the one leaving for a job
Still, you left me before I was actually gone.

Love has never been the problem
Giving into fear is.

I've never felt so scared and alone
I feel homeless and abandoned now.

I miss my lover and best friend
My heart is broken and the pain is sharp

Everything hurts and I can't do anything about it
I cry every night and pills don't help at all.

I can't remember what a steady full sleep feels like
I have dark circles under my eyes and bruises throughout my body.

Food doesn't taste the same, and I've already lost too much weight
Why does it have to hurt so much?

Maybe I'm destined to be alone
I'm the one everyone leaves behind.

Am I not worthy enough for people who love me to stay and fight for me?

Yet I'm still planning on coming back home to you
Will you still be here when I come back?

Will you still be home?

A broken forever

"I love you". It just slipped out so I decided to own up to it and repeat it.
He didn't say it back, he said he wanted to be sure before actually saying it. I can respect that.
...
I'm leaving for Japan in less than two months, and he's staying behind in San Diego.
The beginning of the end started when he got his new contract. I just didn't know it at the time. It was what he's been wishing for for a long time, but he thought he wouldn't get.
When I found out I was happy for him cause it meant he could continue fighting for his beautiful kids, even though we would be away from each other for a few years. We first agreed to work thru it but he started to keep me at arms length and I started to freak out about everything, especially since he didn't say it back. I felt like I took a leap and no one was gonna be there to catch me.

He refused to talk about it a couple of times but when I finally pushed the discussion between us, he broke and brought me down with him.

I've never seen him cry before while being sober. He acknowledge he was scared like he's never been before. That he was in love with me and even though he didn't say it back he felt the same way. That it was different with me cause he never thought he will meet someone like me and that we were soulmates. He said he was planning on going to Japan with me for a year and a half but this changed everything, and he couldn't refuse because he needed to fight for his kids. This last part I knew about and understood it. But he also said that he didn't wanted to hold me back. That he loved me and cared too much about me as to risk losing me completely. He said, in his experience, moving across the World, so far away from each other with so much lack of access to communications can drove people in love mad to the point they end up hating each other. That already happened to him and he didn't love the person before me like he does me. He'd rather we let each other be free, put a lid on us and stay as good friends. And when the time's right, maybe pick things up where we leave them once I come back after my 4 year contract ends. We agreed we'll try that.

We hugged and held each other so tight we didn't wanted to let go, and we cried our eyes out. We cried like we've never cried before. With so much love, sadness, sorrow and pain. It feels like life is being so unfair to us right now. That after finally finding each other and becoming whole, we're being ripped apart again.

I've been crying every day since. Every day my heart breaks a little knowing the time for us to part ways comes closer. The simple act of breathing has become a challenge and the sleepless nights are regular nights now. We're trying but it's so hard. He's better than me at hiding his broken heart, but I can see it in his eyes. The same pain that overwhelms me haunts him. We are so much tired lately, I'm pretty sure it's from the sleepless nights. Its just too much going on. And I just keep wondering if we'll we able to survive it. If we'll be able to get through it.
...
We feel we are each other's Forever. Will we be?

Risk

A few months ago, I liked this guy who truly didn't care about me or just wasn't in the same page as me. He denied me the chance to say goodbye before leaving for a new job and that really hurt me a little bit. I am grateful now because, in a way, it helped me close that page without expectations of ever relieving that chapter again. And I was gone for training.

After that, I made the decision of only focusing on work and making something different with my life instead of worrying and wondering if I'll ever find someone to love. I was fine, stronger and didn't have any regrets. Yes, I started missing my family and my dog like crazy, but that's part of life and moving on.

A few months passed, and later I finally arrived at my first command in my dream city. You know, one of those places you've always dreamed of living in but never actually visited. Well, that's what California is for me. It's not my hometown, but its the closest second.

Anyway, within my first week here I met this man, who later became my friend. It all happened in the weirdest way, I still can't quite describe it, but have you ever met someone that you know nothing about, but it feels like you've known each other for years? I've never felt that connection with someone until I met him.

I think I began falling in love within the first two weeks of meeting him.

Since, every chance he gets he just stares at me and suddenly tells me I'm beautiful. My cheeks turn red and I just smile back at him.

We started calling each other "babe". Funny how I thought being called that would ever bother me, but hearing it from him actually flutters my heart, and calling him that makes me feel like he's only mine.

He makes me feel desired and loved, protected and cared for.

It's such a complicated situation but feels so simple at times, because he's also been going through hard times, but I'm glad I'm there for him in every way I can. He tells me he's grateful he finally met me and that he wishes he'd met me before. I wish for the same. How many lonely nights we could have spent with each other, but life has its ways and decided for us to meet later.

I'm grateful nonetheless. I don't know if we'll last or not but I really hope so. I can't imagine not having him in my life. He believes in me even when I don't believe in myself, and that truly makes me wonder how lucky I am to have met someone like him. In some ways my opposite, sometimes an idiot, but a loved idiot at that.

I don't think we have actually said I love you yet, at least while being sober and completely awake. But I do feel it, I just don't want to say it before he does, you know. But I'm certain that I'm completely head over heels for him, its terrifying and exciting. Because all I can think is this is gonna end in heartbreak, especially since I don't know where they'll send me for my job or if I'll live long enough. But being with him could also mean it could end in happiness.

I guess it's a risk we all take at some point in our lives. And I decided to take mine when we first held hands, and when we first kissed and when we first got together. I'm scared to death, but to tell you all the truth, I've also never been happier.

Willing smile

Behind her willing smile dwelled a sadness deeper than the ocean, filled with the tears she had poured over the years of unspoken words and kept feelings. She thought a taken risk will break her heart, but she never realized it was, in fact, a broken heart what she had for never trying.

The one who looked at me

Sometimes, you tend to scan a room full of people. Some people you just see in the crowd, others you look at. Those who attract you or intrigue you, those who you wish to know a little more of.

I was once looked at by the person I also looked at. And our eyes met a few times before he approached me to exchange words. Words of interest and similar tastes. A laugh or two were shared and after that meeting, conversations took place in a digital world where time and space didn’t matter for neither of us.

Time passed and the exchange continued though not as frequent, but whenever we saw each other from across a room, we’d find the time to tease one another by making jokes about our appearances, and that only meant that we were still looking at each other.

One day a mistake was made, what seemed like a good idea at the spur of a moment and a few kisses changed everything. The thing about that is that timing is everything, and the fact that people look at each other does not necessarily have a romantic meaning behind it. But what’s done is done, and after that there was no going back.

When the conversations, teasing and exchanges stopped all together. That’s when the time and space that once didn’t matter started to seem longer with each passing day. It hasn’t been that long since that day, but it feels like a few years has gone by. And though I try not to, I still find myself looking at him instead of the crowd. But I can tell that he stopped looking at me and just sees me while he scans the room full of people.

I wish that day had never happened, and I’m so very sorry that it did. Because it hurts more than I let myself believe. He no longer looks at me.

Realization

And I've come to realize that life is nothing like the movies. When you leave, no one follows after you. You end up by yourself with only sadness and a broken heart.

Lo que pasó

No fue como pensé que sería
Ni de la forma que quería,
Pero pasó.

Pasó un beso y luego dos.
Una sola caricia fue suficiente para despertar en mí una pasión que había olvidado que llevaba adentro.
Un sol se encendió entre tus labios
Una luna se llenó de tu abrazo
Y miles de estrellas aparecieron para destellar el reflejo de tu belleza.

No fue como pensé que sería
Ni de la forma que quería.
Así como pasó, dijiste adiós como si nada.
Quedó solo mi corazón roto.
Y yo, recogiendo los pedazos de lo que se convertiría en un simple recuerdo de lo que pasó.

No fue como pensé que sería
Ni de la forma que quería,
Pero pasó...

Ya pasó.